all your report are belong to us

Round one: Jacob Orlove with Welder Mud
Game one I play nothing but two Trops and discard a Duress. I know I'm going to
lose this one so I try to make it look like I'm playing hulk. It works, as in
game two he's caught holding dead sideboard cards while a dreadnought smashes
face. Game three was interesting. He opens with Sapphire, Jet, Petrified Field,
Chalice at zero, go. I drop a Trop and tap it for a bird. He drops Metalworker.
I drop a fetch, brainstorm into another brainstorm, a force of will, and a
gilded drake, and I throw two lands back. I fetch one of them, and drop the
Drake, stealing his metalworker. He tries to drop Tangle Wire and fails because
of Force, and I tap metalworker on my turn revealing a dreadnought and a mask,
dropping the mask in the table and putting three dreadnoughts in to play with
the aid of a mighty bird of paradise. The next turn I swing for 36.

2-1, 1-0

Round two: Jeff Green (Elyas Machera on unreg) with Chronic
Game one I put a lethal tog on the board.
Game two he doesn't have an answer to Gigapede hardcast.

4-1, 2-0

Round three: Spoils Mask
Spoils is really bad against things that deal damage. I deal damage. Twice. And
Survival sodomizes him with a sandpaper dildo.

6-1, 3-0

Round four: Eastman with Keeper
Game one takes FOREVER, and I eventually run out of creatures in my deck.
Gigapede gets brought down by soldier tokens until he can wish for Coffin Purge
and kill it for good. I lose shortly thereafter. Game two lasts seven minutes.
Time gets called very early, so turn one of five I drop survival and pitch a
bird for Phage. He drops future sight. I draw and hardcast Phage. He digs like a
madman for an answer. Turn five I swing with Phage.

7-2, 3-0-1

Round five: top eight fish dude
Game one I draw ass and he gets double force in the opening hand. Game two I
crush him with a dreadnought. Game three I drop first turn mask which meets his
null rod, and the rest of the game played out like that.

8-4, 3-1-1

Round six: long
I have to mulligan to five both games just for a mana source. I felt bad about
this loss, it really shouldn't ever happen. I never saw Duress, I never saw
Force, I never saw anything other than land-bird. Oh, did I mention he got lotus
in his opening hand both games? This kinda sucked.

8-6, 3-2-1

Round seven: Enchantress (control)
I let him have the win because I want to trade, but I play a casual game with
him anyway. I crush him severely.

9-6, 3-3-1 (these numbers make no sense, yay!)

There ya go. Enjoy.