Report

I should really just learn to accept the fact that I am never going to be fully
conscious in the first three rounds of any tournament ever. It just doesn't
happen. No matter how early in the day it is, no matter how far I have to drive,
the thing is still going to be on a saturday or a sunday. That means that it
will always come right after a friday or a saturday night. Add that to the fact
that the bar I work at has the most tasty Oktoberfest in the world on tap, and I
don't have to pay for it, and you get one really bad player the next morning. I
am that bad player. This friday I definately took the slow downhill slide from
the Oktoberfest on tap to the BBC steel rail in a keg all the way down to the
busch light in a can. When you hit that point, the night is pretty much kicked
and there's nothing left to do but play bad games on the SNES.

Despite a soul-crushing hangover I made it to the tournament in one piece,
packing sunglasses and taco bell. Tacos are savage tech. I began the usual
pre-tournament ritual of trading my bad cards for other people's bad cards. I
now have over 40 Ernham djinns, fear me. I managed to do a little bit of
scouting, and I saw many swamps and mountains. This is a good thing. I also saw
a lot of little toothy bastards, this made me happy because after my recent
streak of losing to Hulk I had a vendetta like you would not believe. It's a
pride thing, y'know. Sometime Friday night while I was in a drunken stupor it
came to me that I needed new sideboard tech that would tear the anus out of Hulk
Smash because REB hadn't been cutting it. I needed a red blast that would pitch
to mongrels and bazaars and take care of deed, swords if need be, and balance,
not to mention Yawg Win. Despite having crusaded against this card for the past
eight months, I decided to run Circular Logics in my sideboard. I have to say,
once I stopped feeling dirty, they were actually pretty good.

Finally one o'clock rolled around and pairings are posted. "Where's my scrub?"

Round One: Loren (Sympathy4theDevil from unreg) playing Eggcademy

I didn't end up with a scrub, but Eggcademy is close enough for jazz.

Game one I don't remember much. See paragraph A. I do remember winning, which
means Team Lizard Beatz (TM) went to town on his ass.

Game two I sided in logics because I'm a badass. I remember him playing six
spells and then wishing for Yawg Will. Yawg Will met logic, his face met my
cock. Team Lizard Beatz shook hands with his brain.

1-0

Round Two: Dave (Eastman) with Hulk Smash
This matchup games one and two were pretty similar. I had the funk but not the
juice. Big toothy bastards ended up turning sideways. I can console myself with
the knowledge that at the end of both games he had no cards in hand and no
graveyard, so I definately had card advantage.

1-1

Round Three: Joker (no TMD name) playing 250 card sligh (aka the bye)

Game one: He has to read black lotus turn 1. Turn 2 I have to explain how
madness works.

Game two, I open with Lotus, LED, LED, land, mox, sol ring, mongrel, arrogant,
roar, with Ancestral in there somewhere. Flying lizards kick his face in.

2-1

Due to a mix-up with a contraceptive and a time machine, he ended up receiving
credit for the sweep, which I didn't find out until pairings for round five were
posted. After finding this out, my round five opponent made more sense.

Round Four: Random.scrub playing RG Beatz

Game one I see no land, and by that I mean not a single land card all game, and
get taken out by Stormseeker. Not the green one... The red one. (wtf?)

Game two I resolve Pyrostatic Pillar.

Game three, Team Lizard Beatz (TM) pushes it in him like a meaty jackhammer.

3-1

Round Five: Eastman again, still playing Hulk (we realized the fuck-up that
happened but instead of repairing people I just took Joker's seat for the rest
of the tournament)

Game one I fail to see Bazaar. I fail to see much of anything. I lose.

Game two I mull down to five. I was thinking to myself, "God, what a shitty
round this is gonna be." Then I took a look at those five cards. They are
Bazaar, Sapphire, Logic, Rootwalla, and Ancestral. Bazaar goes online and stays
there. I resolve a turn two mongrel and wheel turn three in to lotus, LED,
Anger, double Arrogant, Roar, and Rootwalla. He wheels in to stuff that isn't
force of will.

Game three he drops a fetch and passes. I drop Bazaar and pass. He ancestrals
eot, and then misses his turn two land drop. My maindeck strip mine technology
takes him out of the game. He doesn't hit a land drop until the game is already
over, although he did have triple force in hand, which made it a little more
like a real game. It's no fun to win or lose a game like that. Dave's a good
player and it sucks I had to take him out of the tournament based on luck and
not skill.

4-1

Top eight: Steve (Grand Inquisitor) playing Neo-GAT

Game 1 I resolve turn one rootwalla and then a turn two strip that cut him off
from green for the rest of the game. Nobody ever counters the turn 1 rootwalla
because it doesn't look like a threat. It is. I actually rode that one rootwalla
all the way. He may be a little bitch compared to the other members of Team
Lizard Beatz (TM), but this little guy sure did smash face for 3 a turn like a
champ. At the end of the game, there was definately still a little bit of that
one dripping off of his chin.

Game two he managed a deed for five to take out an arrogant and a mongrel while
he's at five life. Then manages some sort of dryad time walk yawg will time walk
dryad berserk cantrip GAT-brokenness.

Game three logics were an MVP. They forced my junk through and countered Deeds,
just like they were supposed to. Team Lizard Beatz (TM) flew over the heads of
little green chicks with whips and counters.

5-1

Top four: Bob with UrPhid

Game one I managed to resolve two roars and a mongrel through an active phid. He
chumps with Morphling for a while. His phid gets burned and his life gets
Trogdor'd down to five. I pass the turn tapped out at ten life. He ends up
dropping future sight, and then brainstorm gush ancestralling to find time walk.
He finds time walk, as the top card of his library when brainstorm is on the
stack, but only has enough mana open to hit me for four. So he needs to find
fire/ice for the win. He takes his time walk turn, and does more stupid
ridiculous crap until he finds fire/ice for the win.

Game two I resolve turn one mongrel and rootwalla, pitching anger. I apply the
beatz. I end up pitching roar of the wurm and look across the table at his four
untapped mana. Instead of playing the wurm I keep smashing face with the mongrel
and rootwalla, forcing him to control magic the mongrel to remain alive. Just
like a good control bitch, he takes my cue and steals the mongrel, then passes
the turn. Trogdor comes in the night, and all is laid to BURNiNATION.

Right about now I realize I haven't seen a bazaar since Dave, so I decide to
give my deck a pep talk. I take the seven cards off the top, throw them down on
the table, and say, "Okay deck, there's this card called Bazaar of Baghdad, it
wins games when it hits, and I know I put four of them in you somewhere. I'd
really like to see one now." Apparently my deck likes being talked to. I get one
of those hands. Turn one I drop multiple lotii and bazaar. Bazaar turns sideways
and I shit out Anger, Wonder, Walla, after picking up a second bazaar. He gets
that happy look in his eyes as he drops a strip mine and takes out bazaar, then
passes the turn. Before I even draw, I toss the Bazaar on the table and
somewhere deep down inside his soul scooped right there. More stupidity followed
and I move on to the finals.

6-1

Finals: Kid I don't know playing Rector/Form (yup, that's right, in the finals,
beeyach)

Game one he gets a flying lizard skullfuck. He sided out his belt and sided in
my cock.

Game two I went turn one Bazaar, mox lotus led crypt crypt. Turn two I went
Arrogant, Roar, pitching Anger, Wonder, and Ray of Revelation x2; Team Lizard
Beatz (TM) goes upside his head with ten inches of limp dick. He drops Solitary
Confinement with Squee in hand, trying to stall. I topdeck a green source for
the ray, he forgets to Abeyance. Cock connects with face again for the last ten
points.

7-1

So I won. Yup, you read that right. This is not a misprint. Aggro won a mox
beating out a field of control and combo. Scissors beats paper and rock, 5
lotuses.dec is broken. I spent the whole day turning green guys sideways and I
didn't have to sell my soul and spend the afternoon saying no to people. I had
plenty of time between rounds to smoke a cigarette and trade my bad cards for
other people's bad cards.


Bombs Over Baghdad (aka BEST.DECK.EVAR)
Created by: iLL_DaWg

Where My Dawgz At?
4 Wild Mongrel

Team Lizard Beatz (TM)
4 Arrogant Wurm
4 Basking Rootwalla
3 Roar of the Wurm

Mad Phat & Supa' Fly
2 Anger
2 Wonder

This Tastes Like Burning
3 Fiery Temper
2 Violent Eruption

I Make Drawing Fun
3 Deep Anal
4 Bazaar of Baghdad
1 Ancestral Recall
1 Wheel
1 Timetwister
1 Walk

Lands That Don't Draw Me Cards
3 wooded foothills
3 trop
2 volc
3 taiga
2 Riftstone Portal
1 Strip

Lotuses (Loti?)
4 LED
1 black lotus

Bling
1 jet
1 sapphire
1 ruby
1 emerald
1 pearl
1 sol ring

do we really have to play game two?
4 Circular Logic
3 pyrostatic pillar
2 ray of revelation
2 artifact mutation
2 tormod's crypt
2 wasteland

And, as always, cheering me on from the sidelines
3 Wurm Tokens (with the Trogdor the BURNiNATOR alternate artwork)


And now the obligatory props and slops

Da props
Strip Mine: killing any land since 1994 (yeah wasteland, I'm lookin at you,
whatcha got bitch, huh? huh?)
Circular Logic, I hate to say it, but this shit is a savage beating in the
board.
Team Lizard Beatz (TM) What is it about turning big fat green guys sideways
that's so satisfying?

Da slops
Mana screw, I like winning but I'd rather play a real game
The place the tourney was at for fucking up pairings, cutting to 30 minute
rounds, and having the shittiest tables and chairs I have ever seen at a
tournament
Myself, for running Circular Logic and liking it.
Gnomes.